Let me begin by saying this is long. I could not “paint a picture” and condense it. So if you’re interested, read on…
The first night Kevin thought Kate did not wake up all night, but she did. She just didn’t cry. I was on the computer while they were both asleep and turned to find Kate watching me through sleepy eyes…no tears, just…watching. She turned her head a moment later and fell back asleep. She did it a couple more times before I fell asleep next to her. In the morning, she was cheerful and played with her stacking cups. We waited until 8:30 to feed her cereal (she did have a small bottle at 6:30) but she let us know that was too late for breakfast.
We pretty much hung around the hotel room in the morning time and she seemed to be getting a bit fussy or sad. I had a feeling she normally napped more than the two 15 minute naps she had taken since yesterday, but she was not about to close those eyes. She also let us know, as the day progressed, that she preferred to be held by Heather, which is fine, until the mom person has to go to the bathroom or brush her teeth and shower. Kevin, however, was an acceptable choice, if he were taking her on a walk in the hotel halls. Otherwise it had to be the mom person, and she was not negotiating.
At 1:00, we met our coordinator downstairs to go to the passport picture place to have her picture taken. She has to be in a dark color outfit, so back up we go to change into the only thing close, a dark pink with hearts turtle neck shirt and little jeans from her Aunt Cathy. (She did look kinda cute though!) So off we go, only this time, she is tired and not in the mood to be photographed. Kevin and I both tried to hold her, as well as the orphanage director who was with us, to no avail. She would only cry (unless we were holding her close, and they didn’t want us in the picture). So the guy who prints out the pictures takes her dark outfit from today, and puts them on her pleasant face from yesterday, and that’s her passport picture! I thought he was quite clever, actually!
We’re then off to the notary to pick up her adoption certificate (I think that’s what it was)…I’m more distracted by Kate, who is quickly losing her good humor. Then it’s off to the (what I didn’t realize was) the police station. At this point, Kate (and mommy) are growing tired and weary. There must have been 150 people there, about half were sitting in chairs facing, you guessed it, us. People have stared at us since we have been in China, not sure if it’s just because we’re Caucasian, or tall, I’ve had a couple people comment on my “special” hair…okay now add a little Chinese girl to the mix…with a cleft lip… who is now crying…loudly…did I mention there were 75-100 people staring at us? I think I’m sweating. It’s 35 degrees outside, and I’m sweating. She did not want the food or bottle we had. The only thing I can think of is to walk off to the side of the room a bit, and start singing to her, walking back and forth, while we wait for Liqing and May to work on our behalf for her passport. So I softly sing Baby Mine to her and hold her close and she stops crying.
We come back to the hotel room, and I see an email from my friend Tamara, who I met because she also adopted a little girl from the same orphanage a little over a year ago. She is writing me to give me a heads-up that often times, day 2 and 3 are the hardest, because the children begin to grieve, but to take heart, it will get better soon…and that the good news is, this means that she can attach…good news for the parents of an adopted child. Incredible timing. Kevin and I had just been discussing that, but I don’t think either of us were prepared for how quickly she would progress through the grief stages.
Kate’s mood quickly disintegrated. Kevin worried that it was something we fed her, I thought it was everything…she was having a bit different diet, she hadn’t napped (or pooped), she was grieving and was probably confused, and she’s starting to get mad. Her soft cries of ‘I’m tired’ and ‘I’m sad’ turned in to cries of anger…and the meltdown begins. I mean MELT-DOWN! We went through the usual list…maybe she’s hungry – feed her, maybe she’s wet – change her, maybe her stomach is sick, but she doesn’t look as if she’s in pain, or pulling her knees up….Kevin, she’s mad…really mad. So I set her on the bed and she’s furious. Flings herself backward and is kicking her legs, kicking the comforter on the bed, pulling at my shirt, then punches the pillow that fell against her cheek. If she could have, she would have been screaming at me in Chinese. Nothing we tried seemed to make a difference, and I had been holding her for hours on end. It felt like she just needed some space to be mad for a little bit, but I wanted her to know I’m here if she wanted me. I lay on the bed about 12 inches from her, propped up on one elbow. Absolutely in a rage, she is thrashing around on the bed and crying this almost animalistic cry. It reminded me of a little tiny lion learning to roar. There was so much pain and anger in her cry. (it’s really warm in here and she’s sweating so I peel off her flannel p.j.s) She is sitting on the bed in only a diaper, screaming, and I kid you not, she holds her fists up in the air above her forehead, as if railing at the heavens.
After time goes by, her angry cry begins to turn to one of despair. Kate is sitting inches from me, and finally flings her little body towards me and we latch on to each other, both of us with tears streaming down our cheeks, and neither of us let go. Her face is bright red, her hair wet with sweat, and her lashes wet with tears. I know what loss feels like, and this is a kid who was suffering. It’s very hard to watch someone go through pain…….I don’t know how long all of it lasted, but Kate literally fell asleep sitting up on the bed hugging my neck and shoulders. Even when she was asleep, she held up the weight of her own arm, holding firmly to my shoulder. I waited until she was asleep-asleep before I tried to lie her down. But she immediately cried…okay, not asleep-asleep. I picked her back up and cradled her. She opened her eyes, looked at me, and fell asleep again. My heart ached for her. She was so tired, she was practically unconscious…but every few minutes, she would pull herself awake, her little red eyes quickly fluttering open, look me right in the eyes and search my face, and she would softly drift off to sleep again. “It’s Okay baby, I’m here. Wo ai ni, little one. I love you. It’s okay.”
Please pray that Jesus wraps his arms around Kate and holds her close. She needs an extra prayer.
Baby mine, don’t you cry Baby mine, dry your eyes
Lay your head close to my heart, never to part,
Baby of mine
From your head, to your toes You’re so sweet, goodness knows
You are so precious to me, cute as can be
Baby of mine
Little one, when you play Don’t you mind what they say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine, Never a tear
Baby of mine…oh, baby mine.
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2 comments:
Oh dear! Our hearts go out to the three of you.
I'm sure we are not the only ones who were hoping, against all reason, that somehow this complete, drastic change of life for Kate could, miraculously, occur without any upset. After all, we know that her new life is going to be so wonderfully, lovingly better than it has been up to this time.
The problem is that Kate does not know what we all know. Until Sunday, her world was such a teeny tiny one. This was probably the first time she had gone beyond the confines of the orphanage. Absolutely everything has to be enormously overwhelming to her - it is soooo much to take in.
She has gone from a quiet, regimented, mostly impersonal existence in a large (unheated?) institution to having the constant attention of two strangers who look different and speak a language she has not heard before. In addition, she finds herself living in a small, physically warm environment, getting tub baths and shampoos and clothing changes and eating different foods. Then there's all the 'going' - from here to there and then, yet again, someplace else. And - everywhere - lots of noises, most of them new and strange, and LOTS of people. Even something as simple (to us) as the television being on in the hotel room is probably brand new to her. Then, there are all the smells she has never experienced before. Every part of Kate is constantly being bombarded by 'new and strange'.
'New and strange', no matter how loving and wonderful and better, cannot help but produce insecurity. Insecurity induces fear. Fear brings out a large range of emotions.
Given all the 'new and strange' she is constantly experiencing, at least one such episode was inevitable. It was not a result of something you failed to do. It was not a failure to show her your love and care and concern.
It was a result of the drastically wonderful changes and opportunities you have sacrificed for to make them available to her. Unfortunately, there just is no way you can give her the life you have to offer without completely immersing her in the constant 'new and strange'.
As heartwrenching as this episode was for all of you, it also has its positive aspects. It demonstrates that she does 'feel', that her 20 months in a cold institution did not destroy her 'spunk', and that she has the courage to express herself. It also shows that she's going to be able to hold her own with Colton and Ryan - and Amanda (hi Mandi)! She has come through a short life that none of us would wish on any child and she has done so with her spunk and her courage and her personality intact. Lastly, you'll not only have a great story to tell her later - but - when she's a teenager, you can remind yourselves that you survived this episode, so you can surely get through the teen years, too!!!
All of you are in our prayers, but I also want to remind you that Kate has been in Heavenly hands since before she was born and that hasn't changed since.
Both of you are convinced beyond doubt that Kate coming into your family is part of God's plan for your lives. That means He has been orchestrating every aspect of this journey. That means that He knew long ago that this 'meltdown' would occur. That means - and your actions demonstrated beyond doubt - that He prepared the two of you to deal with it appropriately and lovingly.
Whether you realize it or not, you gave Kate yet another incredibly precious gift. That was the gift of being able to express herself in a heart-searing, angry fashion -- and -- not only not abandoning her, but still loving her as much as ever. What a terrible, unknowing risk she took.
Every single thing the two of you do is teaching her about you. Others have fed her and clothed her, but I seriously doubt anyone has ever allowed her such expression or, at least, not without an expression of disapproval. Her real mom, however, understood her confusion, her fear, her uncertainty, her insecurity, and all the loving concern she had been lacking.
No matter her young age, she KNOWS that you stayed with her. She KNOWS that you didn't rebuke her or punish her. She KNOWS that you allowed her to 'let it all hang out'. She KNOWS that you continued to show her the same love and concern afterward that you had demonstrated from the very moment you set eyes on her. She KNOWS - and - that KNOWING will stay with her forever.
After all, this is just the beginning of an incredible journey God has ordained for ALL of us. Each of us has so very much to learn and to contribute and to enjoy.
What God starts, He can and will continue. He has prepared the way for Kate. He has seen to it that she is coming into a family totally prepared to love her and care for her and teach her and provide opportunities that her birth would never have foretold.
This heartwrenching episode was the first of many challenges you and she will face as this enormous transition proceeds. God put it into your heart to accept and lovingly meet every challenge. All three of you are, and always have been, in His hands. He will continue to guide you and hold you close.
We so look forward to giving each of you a great big hug.
Love,
Dad and Phyl
HEY! thats what i was going to say! hehe. no but really, reading that made my heart break. i cant imagine what she must be feeling. to be so small and helpless, having no control over anything, and for you to watch her angry, then cling to you for support, must prove to you, that you really are her mom now heather. You finally have a little girl, who needs you as much as you need her. I cant imagine that. It mustve broken your heart, and mended it back together, all at once.
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